The Sixth Episode!

I haven’t done a blog post or a video in almost a month, so I decided that I needed to do something that I could put together quick. I also wanted to see if I could do a video that was exactly 60 seconds long (which really restricted my choice of topics, hence, another regrettable stroll down celebrity news lane). But hell, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe I’ll even do a video about the Oscars next week. Or not. Anyway…here’ s some stuff.

I had an idea that people might think I was bullshitting them about Rihanna’s twitter avatar (which also seems to be the cover of her current album), so here’s a screencap of that.

And here’s the background of her twitter page.

And here’s some of her tweets.

Sources

Fash Math: Marilyn Monroe + Dr. Seuss Character = Lady Gaga
http://style.mtv.com/2011/07/12/fash-math-marilyn-monroe-dr-seuss-character-lady-gaga/

Eyes Up Here, Katy Perry
http://www.wwtdd.com/2012/02/eyes-up-here-katy-perry/

Rihanna on twitter
http://www.buzzfeed.com/gavon/the-best-of-rihannas-twit-pics

Rule 34 Has Finally Gone Too Far

Way back in the days of the Old School Internet (pre-Google, Wikipedia etc) I would occasionally amuse myself by going to Yahoo and typing in a random word, followed by “porn” (like Victorian Porn – which exists by the way).  Most of the time, I just ended up on a regular porn site that just happened to have that other word on their page for some unknown reason (or to fool Yahoo’s search engine – which was easily fooled by such tactics back then). But every once in a while, I’d find something funny (like old-timey, Victorian pornography).

Apparently, people that are actually in the porn industry like to play this little game too. And that’s how we ended up with “Occupy My Ass” a porn film that claims to be a “parody” of the Occupy movement (1). But it’s obvious from looking at the trailer that this is an all-sex film. There is no plot whatsoever and thus, no actual attempt to “parody” anything. The distributor, Evil Angel, doesn’t even make parodies.

The only mildly-satiral element of the whole thing is the box cover, which re-produces the look of several Occupy posters (which are based on Shephard Fairey’s “Hope” poster) and several slogans of the movement, namely, the now ubiquitous “We are the 99%”.

Oddly enough, the director (Bobbi Starr – one of many female directors) has actually expressed her dislike of parodies (which she sees as part of a misguided attempt by the porn industry to become “mainstream”) and the apolitical stance of the porn industry in general (2).

So is this recent film proof that she isn’t willing to literally put her money where her mouth is (by making an overtly political film that might alienate her fan base) or is this actually an attempt to test the waters in preparation for something more substantial? I suppose only time will tell us the real answer, but I have a hard time believing that even a politically active porn director is willing to take the risk of “sermonizing” in a sex scene.

Sources

1. The trailer

Warning: This video contains images of gaping (a close-up on a woman’s stretched out ass hole), lesbian sex with strap-ons and rough anal sex. There’s also a BDSM element (a woman with a mask on her face). If any of these things offend or disgust you, please don’t watch this video. Also (and quite obviously) this video contains images of un-simulated sex.

2. Porn Should get Political

Art Condoms Respectfully Suspended

Well. Here’s a surprise. Irakli Kiziria’s over-priced, copyright-infringing, publicity stunt, “the Louis Vuitton condom” seems to have backfired. In response to the media attention, (and probably a nasty cease and desist letter from the legal department of Louis Vuitton), Kiziria has “respectfully suspended” the project, and shut down its stand alone website.  Luckily, I managed to get a screenshot of the site before it went offline. Originally, I was planning to make a joke about the ridiculous ads on the site (see above) but now it seems that said picture is simply a historical document about an idea whose time has not yet come.

Sources

The statement on Kiziria’s (aptly-named) website

“If you are looking for information on the designer condom charity project, we have respectfully suspended publishing photos and details on our website.”

http://designprovocation.com/

 

Getting Closer to a Cure for AIDS

About a week ago, I was scanning my facebook newsfeed when I saw something that I was absolutely certain was an Onion article; the FDA had cleared an HIV vaccine for human trials. Pfft. Whatever. Not getting me this time, you crafty crying “journalists”. (Get it? They’re “crying” because they’re around all those onions…and their site is called the On…oh forget it.)

I didn’t even bother to read said article, because obviously it was a joke. HIV isn’t a virus, it’s the microscopic apocalypse. It’s Jesus’s revenge on the flamboyantly dressed denizens of San Francisco. It’s the Earth getting back at us for, well…everything. There isn’t a cure. There will never be a cure. It’s not a disease – it’s a death sentence. It’s like cancer…if you could get cancer by having sex.  Which would suck.

And yet here we are. This was not an Onion story. The vaccine exists.  It was created by a team led by Dr. Chil-Yong Kang at the University of Western Ontario and then tested, successfully, on monkeys. Kang’s unique strategy involved using the entire virus to synthesize a vaccine instead of trying to use small sections of it. The version used in his research was killed with radiation and chemicals (kinda like chemotherapy). Previous researchers believed that this strategy would be too risky, but Kang has pointed out that this is exactly how the polio vaccine was created.

The vaccine will undergo three stages of human trials spanning a period of five years. Phase 1 (which involves giving the vaccine to 40 HIV positive people) will begin in January 2012. Although I find this event to be both fascinating and inspiring, I’m less than enthused about the lackluster media coverage this has received here in the America. The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal and USA Today (America’s three biggest newspapers) are ignoring this story. And so are CNN and Time magazine. Apparently the cure for AIDS won’t be covered unless it’s created in an American lab. Or maybe dudes are just mad because the research was funded by a South Korean company. I guess South Korea’s a little too close to that other Korea.

But then again, maybe I’m wrong. I don’t own a TV or listen to the radio. Maybe Rush Limbaugh and Fox news are all over this right now. But somehow I doubt it. The solution to this mystery seems to be the FDA’s own bizarre decision to avoid writing a press release about the vaccine trial. Maybe they’re waiting until the tests actually start. Or perhaps the press release got lost in the shuffle. The day after they approved the Canadian vaccine, they approved another drug (called Isentress) for use with HIV treatments. It must’ve been a big week at the ol’ FDA. They probably found a cure for cancer as well. That press release is probably sitting under Pat Robertson’s letter of apology to the gay community (zing!). Now there’s an Onion article I would knowingly read.

Sources

The University of Western Ontario’s press release

A semi-related FDA press release

A Canadian article I read about this

The other article I read

The other, other article I read

Congress Declares that the Internet is for Porn

Congress has pulled a lot of stunts this year. There was that whole “let’s play chicken with the debt ceiling” debacle, the over-hyped “supercommittee” that couldn’t find a way to balance the budget in four months, when a much smaller committee of former congressmen hired by Esquire magazine managed to do the same thing in only 3 days. They even made Ron Paul (the guy that wants to end the Federal Reserve System) the chairman of the House Committee on Domestic Monetary Policy (the committee that oversees the Fed). But only one of this year’s stunts was actually funny.

During the debate over HR 3261 (or the Stop Online Piracy Act, as it’s called on the streets (or SOPA as it’s called in the Hood) ) Rep. Jared Pollis (D-CO) decided to read the entire lyrics from “Internet is for Porn” into the committee’s official record. “Internet is for Porn” is a song from the hit Broadway musical Avenue Q. Listen to the song here and then imagine this being “performed” in the presence of the otherwise entirely stuffy members of the House Judiciary Committee.

Don’t laugh too hard though, Polis’ prank wasn’t as silly as it sounds. SOPA will give the Attorney General the power to shut down sites that allow people to view copyrighted material for free. Unfortunately, as Polis pointed out, the vast majority of sites fitting that description are porn 2.0 sites that allow users to illegally download porn DVDs. This means that if SOPA passes, the majority of takedown requests will be from the porn industry. In fact, the porn industry has already started lobbying the Justice department to ensure that they will be the #1 priority if the bill gets passed.

Polis introduced an amendment that would avoid this embarrassing situation by exempting the porn industry from being affected by this law (which would, in effect, make it legal to pirate porn). Unfortunately, Polis’ true motives for writing this amendment were spotted early on. As Rep. Lofgren (D-CA) pointed out

“people have a legal right to create pornographic movies”

Polis’ amendment would have opened up SOPA to judicial review by the Supreme Court based on the amendment’s clear violation of the First Amendment (which protects pornography). The amendment was defeated after a vote of 18 to 9.

Sources

Balance (the aforementioned Esquire article)
http://www.esquire.com/features/balance-the-budget-findings-1110?click=main_sr

‘Internet is for Porn’ pops up during House SOPA debate

http://news.cnet.com/8301-31921_3-57344507-281/internet-is-for-porn-pops-up-during-house-sopa-debate/?tag=mncol;txt

The Judiciary Committee’s record of the hearing

http://judiciary.house.gov/hearings/pdf/transcript12152011.pdf

Louis Vuitton Condoms

Truly, the sexual imagination knows no bounds. First,  they invent 3D porn (’cause 2D just wasn’t doin’ it anymore) and now there’s gonna be a luxury brand, Louis Vuitton condom. I’m sure that this fine product will find its way into a  few rap videos in a couple of months. Songs with such creative titles as “Dat Louis Vuitton Dick” will sweep the nation and take the charts by storm.

Or at least they will whenever these things finally get made. At the moment, they’re just an idea created by Georgian architect Irakli Kiziria. Kiziria (who is from the Republic of Georgia, a country in Europe, not the state of Georgia here in the U.S.) has designed the Louis Vuitton condom as part of a hypothetical fundraiser for amFAR (the Foundation for AIDS Research), a leading AIDS research group. Louis Vuitton has supported amFAR at least once in the past with a charity auction. Kirizia’s original plan involved launching the Louis Vuitton condom on World AIDS day, which was December 1st. As you can see, that date has passed. Oh well. Better luck next year.

UPDATE: Possibly as a response to the media coverage of this proposed product, Kiziria has decided to withdraw this design. It no longer appears on his website and the separate site for the condom has been taken down.

Oh? You don’t believe me? Well, then! Check my impeccable sources!

Kiziria’s homepage

Kiziria’s infrequently updated “official” website for the non-existent, riddled with hilarious grammatical errors and written in some sort of weird third person style

Luis Vutton and AIDS research

The HuffPo article that revealed all of this to me

Semi-related pic of Scarlett Johansson carrying an LV bag

Teacher Put on Leave For Starting a Porn Site

Ah yes. It’s a tale as old as time. The ancient story of boy meets girl, girl starts porn site, boy helps out, girl is fired from her teaching position. Happens all the time. Our wonderful story begins in the magical city of Stockton, in the state of California (where all such stories happen). It was there that we find our girl, Heidi Kaeslin, a 35 year old special education teacher in the Lincoln United School District. Apparently all of California’s school districts have the word “united” in them. I have no idea what’s up with that. Anyway. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah! The magical land of the Lincoln United School District!

Every day, Heidi went to school and diligently taught her students a wide variety of subjects. But something was missing. Yes…discipline! ‘Cause you know those special education kids be gettin’ rowdy and stuff and somebody’s got to be on hand to keep the peace. Enter boy, Richard Fields, a Stockton beat cop assigned to Heidi’s school as a resource officer. And together they pacified the classroom. The end.

Oh wait. Nevermind. That’s not the end. That’s actually like…the beginning. Ok, now onto the middle! Heidi and Richard (or Heidi and Dick, if you prefer) would often meet (strictly in a professional sense, you understand) to calm her kids the fuck down. But then…something happened. Something magical. You see, children, when a woman has large breasts, young boys will stare at them for hours on end. Especially if they’re uh…”special” boys, and said woman is the only woman they see all day, and they don’t really have to listen to her because  they’re not in the type of class that has tests and stuff.

Now I suppose that there’s many different ways that a woman could react to a situation like that. Heidi Kaeslin’s reaction was to start a series of porn sites. And that’s what she did. Sort of. With the help of a friend (our boy Mr. Fields) she started; teachertitties.com (“Remember your favorite teacher? Ever dream about seeing her (breasts)? Well now you can!”), RandHentertainment.com (which sells I Heart Teacher t-shirts (with breasts drawn into the heart)), 360pig.com (a sex toy shop) and mysluttyteachers.com. Teachertitties.com and mysluttyteachers.com are both down but the other two sites are still up and running (albeit with some slight alteration).

But what about the porn, you ask? Alas, it was all media speculation. Our heroine never actually appeared in a pornographic video, nor did she convince anyone else to do so. Apparently Teacher Titties and My Slutty Teachers were just meant as tests. Kaeslin and Fields just wanted to know how popular those domains would be if they ever decided to actually make a porn site. Fields did most of the work himself with the assistance of an as yet unidentified programmer who called Fields shortly after he registered those domains, telling him, “You’re sitting on a gold mine”.

What Fields was actually sitting on however, was forced early retirement from the police force, because of budget cuts. Hence the reason why he was so eager to help out with anything that held the prospect of supplementing his retirement income. Or so he says anyway. But enough about Mr. Fields and Ms. Kaeslin. What about Mr. Kaeslin? What, you didn’t see this coming? Yes, Mr. Trent Kaeslin, Heidi’s husband. Apparently, he was totally ok with this. “This” being the porn site idea. What he was not ok with was the fact that his wife was having an affair with a 51 year old police officer.

“I was aware of the basics,” he said speaking of said porn sites. But “I had no idea of the magnitidue of it.” Magnitude? What magnitude? This dude sounds like he just uncovered some sort of vast right wing conspiracy! (insert evil villain laugh). And so Trent did what husbands always do in situations like these. He reported his wife to the school. Their response?

“We’re conducting an investigation.”

Oh. I. Bet. They. Are. They’re gonna investigate the hell outta this thing! That quote was from Tom Uslan, the district’s superintendent. And what exactly will he be “investigating”? Well there is the little matter of Kaeslin using a school-issued Apple laptop to work on the sites, which possibly violates their ethics policy. In the meantime, Kaeslin has been replaced with a “long term substitute teacher”. Actual quote from an actual article. Let me hit you with that again. “long term substitute teacher”. Sigh. It looks like somebody doesn’t understand the concept of substitute teachers not being long term. Otherwise, they’d just be teachers.

And that, unfortunately, is where our little tale ends. The media never does follow ups on stories like these, so it’s hard to find out what the resolution was. But as we’re rolling the end credits I can tell you that Trent and Heidi are now separated and Richard is now under an investigation himself. Although, technically, since he’s retired, the investigation is only to determine whether or not they can actually investigate him (since he’s retired). His take on all this?

“OK, if my crime is that I fell in love with a married woman, I’m sorry. It wasn’t planned.”

And you know what? I totally believe him. Why? Because you can’t make this stuff up.

THE END 

Sources

1. MySluttyTeacher.com Teacher Put on Leave

http://blogs.findlaw.com/legally_weird/2011/11/mysluttyteachercom-teacher-put-on-leave.html#more

2. Teacher’s role in porn websites investigated

http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20111116/A_NEWS/111160325/-1/A_NEWS14

3. Calif. Teacher With Porn Sites Gets Put On Leave

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/18/calif-teacher-with-porn-s_n_1100824.html?ref=weird-news

Porn Parody Trend Jumps the Racist Shark (NSFW)

Well, it finally happened. The recent fad of pornographic parodies of mainstream films has finally hit rock bottom. When they made a Seinfeld parody it was just another classic adventure in missing the point by adding explicit sex scenes into a show that was all about not talking about the very thing they were talking about. The Simpsons parody was just gross, on account of their decision to actually paint all of the actors yellow. And their parodies of horror movies were just well…redundant. But now, the masters of the un-neccessary have succeeded where even Hollywood has failed with all of its myriad remakes. They have managed to display a groundbreaking combination of racism, insensitivity and un-originality.

And how exactly have they managed to achieve this? Well you know…you already saw the picture. It’s a pornographic “parody” of Roots. For the unitiated, Roots is a book by Alex Haley that claims to present the history of his family, beginning with their Mandinkan Ancestor, Kunta Kente, and preceding all the way down to Hailey himself. Roots, a massive 704 page work was adapted into an eight part television series in 1997. It’s unflinching portrayal of the brutality of American slavery seered itself into the hearts and minds of millions of Americans, both Black and white and it’s final episode is still the third most watched episode in T.V. history, 35 years later.

So why on Earth would anyone think that it was ok to “parody” a movie about the kidnapping, mutilation and humiliation of an innocent man? Perhaps its best not to even ask such questions of the people who brought you “Hector’s Filthy Grandmas” and “Bangin’ Yo Mama”. But don’t worry, according to the director, T.T. Boy, the film is “pro-Black”. And how’s that, you ask? Well, as Mr. uh…boy, explains, “The slaves fuck all the white girls, the daughters and the wives of the masters”. Ah, ok. Now I get it. So first, he decides to re-enforce sexual stereotypes of Black men by casting tall, extremely muscular African-Americans males with large penises, and then he decides to go for another stereotype by having them “fuck all the white girls”, which is the very thing that (according to white people) is the reason why they had to murder so many innocent Black men, like Emmit Till (please don’t Google him, the pictures will traumatize you). Or as the back cover of the DVD states,

Watch the pretty daughters fall in lust with the studs and chase them around for some love! See how upset the husband is after he finds out his wife’s pussy has been stretched by a real dick and how useless he is! 

And that, is why this film is “pro-Black”. Cool. Not surprisingly, the local NAACP was not amused. They picketed the film set and attempted to have the production shut down, but unfortunately the video was practically done by the time they arrived.

Pornographers usually excuse incidents of unabashed racism by saying that it’s what the fans want, but in this case, they don’t even have that to fall back on. Despite the hype, the film didn’t even make it into the top 200 the month it was released. I guess even fans of racist porn films have their limits.

Sources

1. Evasive Angles Courts Controversy with ‘Roots’ Parody

http://business.avn.com/articles/video/Evasive-Angles-Courts-Controversy-With-Roots-Parody-449750.html

2. AVN Magazine December 2011*

http://www.thedigitaleditiononline.com/publication/?i=93457

3. Top 100 Rated TV Shows of All Time

http://tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/2009/03/21/top-100-rated-tv-shows-of-all-time/14922/

*The film was released on October 31, which would mean that most of its early sales would actually be in November, which is covered in the December issue. But I checked the November issue as well and it wasn’t there.

Porn Star Reads to Kids, Nation Freaks Out

An ex-porn star read to some elementary school kids.

That’s it. That’s the whole story. She didn’t tell the kids to Google her when they got home. She didn’t pass out porn DVDs afterwards and she didn’t do a striptease beforehand or read while naked. None of the kids got punched in the face during any sort of mini-first grade riot and most importantly, none of those kids were traumatized.  And yet…somehow…this story actually made it to several news sites, two wire services and at least one TV station. So how did that happen?

(steps off soapbox)

(puts on news hat)

Every year, the National Education Association sponsors a program called Read Across America, where they coordinate reading-based events in which adults to read to local children in libraries, schools and community centers (1). This year, at Emerson Elementary School in Compton, California, actress Marina Hintzis,  who has appeared on HBO’s Entourage and the Steven Soderbergh film “The Girlfriend Experience” was invited to read to a group of 1st and 3rd graders (2) (3) (4). Marina Hintzis is more commonly known however as Sasha Grey. An (ex) porn star. Cue hysteria.

After parents at the school filed a complaint with the PTA, the principal attempted to deny that Hintzis/Grey had ever been there at all (5).

We have several celebrities who read to our students each year. The actress you have indicated [Sasha] was not present

Unfortunately, for them, celebrity gossip site TMZ somehow managed to get a hold of pictures taken at the event, which clearly show that Grey was in fact at that school (5). Man, let me tell ya, if TMZ keeps this up, I might even have to start referring to them as a real news site. Shocking! But Grey refused to back down, and was apparently supported in her decision by the NEA. She issued a statement saying (6)

I believe education is a universal right. I committed to this program with the understanding that people would have their own opinions about what I have done, who I am and what I represent…. I cannot thank my fans and “Read Across America” enough for supporting my decision.Your support and kind words continue to inspire me.

And if that wasn’t enough controversy for one week, local TV station KTLA decided to stir the pot even more by tracking down local parents who hadn’t heard about the story yet and capturing their reactions on camera, including a father who said (7).

They couldn’t find a fireman or police officer or nothin’ else? They had to get a porn star? I mean I just don’t think that’s right. I really don’t.

I guess that is a good question. Why couldn’t they find a “respectable” citizen to participate in this program? Well maybe it has something to do with the fact that this program has been running for 13 years, and yet (as best as I’ve been able to determine) they’ve never received any mainstream media coverage for it (1).

Sources

1. NEA’s Read Across America

http://www.nea.org/grants/886.htm

2. Ex-porn star reading to students causes stir

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-207_162-57323670/ex-porn-star-reading-to-students-causes-stir/

3. Porn star Sasha Grey gets a mainstream role

http://articles.latimes.com/2009/may/21/entertainment/et-sasha-grey21

4. Sasha Grey’s twitter account

5. Porn Legend Sasha Grey Reads to 1st Graders, School Attempts Cover-Up

http://www.tmz.com/2011/11/11/porn-star-sasha-grey-reads-students-school-district/#.TsCgTPQr2sp

6. I am proud to have participated in the “Read Across America” program

http://www.twitlonger.com/show/e4o8ri

7. Porn Star Reads to Elementary School Kids, Parents Outraged

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-porn-star-reads-to-kids,0,973081.story

Anti-Gay Preacher Caught Masturbating in Public

I’d like to say that I can’t believe this article I read today about the Rev. Grant Storms but sadly, I can. Rev. Storms is famous among the residents of New Orleans for his frequent anti-gay protests. In particular, his favorite target is Southern Decadence, an annual celebration of gay culture and alternative lifestyles that takes place in the French Quarter. Rev. Storms does battle with the forces of fabulous wickedness on a regular basis, armed only with a picket sign, a mob of rabid fundamentalists and of course a bullhorn. Storms is so annoying that the city passed a law banning bullhorns in the French Quarter just because of him. But that’s not why Storms is in the news today. Oh no! That fine, upstanding, Christian, gentleman is in the news because he was caught masturbating in his van next to a playground. And of course, in the grand tradition of lying for Jesus, Storms claims that he was not in fact masturbating to the salacious sight of children at play, perish the thought dear brother! What he was actually doing was urinating into a bottle. So what do we have here? A hypocritical pedophile or just an incredibly lazy old man? Well I happened to get a hold of the police report and they didn’t mention seeing any sort of bottle on the scene. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a guy on the Internet. And the report also doesn’t mention whether or not the police actually searched his car. Just the fact that numerous eye witnesses saw him masturbating. But who knows, maybe he just likes to take a wide stance. So in honor of Rev. Storms, I’ll be adding a new category to the blog today; “Christians Keepin’ It Classy”.

Source

Southern Decadence protest leader booked with masturbating at Metairie park